yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
