if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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