Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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