Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize