I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize