Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
