I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
