you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
