Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
