i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize