i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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