I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
