I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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