I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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