Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
