Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
