put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
