she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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