i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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