I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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