I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
