Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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