Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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