my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
