Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Operation Purity has been aborted
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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