someone threw a dead crab at me
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
