he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
