How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
