remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
