The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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