the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
