i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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