We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
