Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
