The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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