I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
