he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
