I wish my penis had an off switch
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize