We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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