imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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