we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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