So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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