the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
