Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
