After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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