My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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