Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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