it hurts more in the daytime
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
