It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
