I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
