He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
