I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
