saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You smell like stripper and shame
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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