Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just google imaged poop.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
