the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have feelings that need drinking.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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