nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
