When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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