this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
