New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
