I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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