you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
